Sex, Drugs and Disappointment

What is it with this idea to join human and animal cells together? are we not stupid enough without trying to join us with the most stupid set of creatures on earth. I mean look at the fact apart from us only dolphins have sex for fun. What animals in their right mind wud have sex for any other reason? Mind you i think we have possibly got that wrong because when a bull goes running around shagging every cow in the field i dont think he's doing it cos he wants 300 kids i think its cos he likes the feeling. Ok maybe its us whose bloody stupid and maybe the animals will be upset that we are joining their cells with ours. I would be pissed off if i was a monkey and all of a sudden i started to wear a hoodie and happy slap a chimp. Have you seen those chimps they would kick a monkeys ass. Mind you the monkey wouldnt be able to pull out his mobile phone and film it would he? I mean where would he keep it, he's got no pockets. Look at a fish for instance, what would happen if we crossed its cells with a normal blokes? well the fish would have half the memory power. It would forget the wife asked him to empty the dishwasher and he would lose the remote down the sofa and forget where the sofa was. I suppose there would be one good thing to come out of this tho imagine if we got crossed with a donkey the amount of women that would enjoy sex with a half man half donkey. I mean the idea the woman might get a bit of fur in her mouth from getting off with a donkeys head but the human bottom half would be fine. I think some humans have already been crossed with a few animals tho, Jade Goody and a hippo, Princess Margaret and a horse, dale winton and a rampant wildebeest and last but not least ant and dec!

Does anyone understand american sport? I mean its all the same as english sport except they make it last twice as fucking long. Look at baseball, its the same as rounders but they make it last 400 innings and just keep batting until someone scores one. How is that fun? American football too, its just rugby but they wear pads cos they dont wanna get hurt. And every 2 mins they stop to have a rest, swap players, then crouch down and growl at each other telling them they are gonna kill them. Its pretty hard when your wearing a helmet, a chest pad, thigh pads, gloves and a jock strap. I mean what is a jock strap really? Does anyone outside america understand one cos i dont. Is it some kind of scottich underwear or does it actually protect your nuts? Its the same with everything in america though they always have to be bigger and better than everyone else. If they make a burger it has to have cheese and bacon on and the burger has to be a whole cow. If they build a block of flats it has to be the biggest motherfucking block of flats there is. And if they fight a war they have to take on everyone and then kill half the people who are on their side. I mean who came up with the name friendly fire? How friendly is fucking machine gun fire penetrating your body? I havent been shot but im pretty sure its not fucking friendly. But americans havent exactly got a great record in wars, they fucked up vietnam, only joined in a world war so hollywood had something to make films about and entered iraq with false information and shot most of their allies. How did george bush get into power then? Every american i speak to tells me they didnt vote for george bush, but somebody bloody did. He has given the world a lot of comedy though. I mean if choking on a pretzel wasnt funny enough he went on to fucking up every speech he did which was even funnier because it's all written out for him on a massive screen. But then again in england we pay presenters to do that all day everyday. People who work on GMTV have made a fortune from reading off a screen. Those people are annoying. In the morning you wake up and your pissed off because you've had to wake up and you've got the prospect of work to look forward to. The last thing you want is some fucker being cheery about something stupid like eggs or a man knocking on your door in the morning and giving you £6. Keith you bastard if i had known it was you i would have turned off the lights and pretended we were all out and now i've answered the door you've got me a massive novelty cheque for £6. How could my day get any worse?

Having worked in a shop i know realise that the title of this post is completely true. No longer can i take the ignorance that customers have as always being right. For example when people bring stuff back that they have obviously worn, is at least 3 years old and stinks of smoke do they expect a full refund with a fucking blow job thrown in. I know shops are all money grabbing cunts but come on give me a break here. Even the old "it was broken when i got it out of the box" doesnt work because you obviously dropped the fucking thing on the floor on the way to your people carrier which yes does say im old, got a family and have given up on sex. One of the major problems is flat packs. Now i have put a fair few of these things together so know how shit they are but when they are returned with half the screws sticking out of them and three planks put in place it is obvious you have tried to bodge the thing together and have fucked up big style. Yes, i have just purchased this flat pack and there are 6 parts missing and theres a massive scratch from a screw driver down the side of this piece that someone has already tried to screw together. Can i have a full refund? at which point anyone who has worked in a shop will say no im sorry there is no return on these items if they have been put together plus you have no receipt. The fucker then wants to speak to a manager and spends 10 mins shouting at you to fetch one. You fetch one and the customer turns into the virgin mary. The manager gives the refund and you look a prick. I mean who pays these bastards in suits to come and to make you look like a dick in front of customers. Its true tho in retail you get paid more and do less work the higher you get. Except you have to spend so much time up peoples arses that you come out browner than a west indian in the desert. Shops are great places to work i mean you get paid hardly anything to run around after people who treat you like shit. If half the school population knew what it was like to spend their life working in a shop they would spend their whole lives at school. All the career advisor has to do is mention the word retail and the chav behind the desk would be asking to see the brochure for oxford university. Mind you i would love to see the teachers faces when a load of chavs start to deficate on the school field. I wouldnt really be bothered though i hold teachers in as much respect as i do the bastards who try to return worn underwear. I mean what do they do? Copy out of a book on to a black board? do you need training for that? can anyone go in for this and learn who to write with chalk? You get about 48 weeks holiday a year and finish at 3 30. Ok so you have to tick a few pages but come on i would rather do that than have to look after some twat who is spending 6 hours to choose between a red jumper and a blue one. Your going to buy them both and return them both anyway so just get it and fuck right off. they are even striking today what do they have to strike about? Not enough red pens? the teacher next to them has coffee breath? they cant reach the top of the blackboard to copy out page 69? just shut the fuck up and work! Mind you though health and safety would probably stop any teacher reaching above their head i mean the whole fucking world is health and safety mad now. You cant piss without using a pair of gloves and having to get scrubbed like we did for the BSE outbreak. Imagine the toilet blockade at the library when you come out and they make you put your cock in a bucket with soapy water then they spray you with a high pressure washer. It would stop boyfriends cheating or actually i would just mean they would piss themself so either way no one will be getting any sex.

I went to the cinema the other night and after going quite regularly for the last couple of years i have noticed a trend. The same trend that extends to cinemas all over the country. Firstly there is the common problem of chavs. Small groups of lads and ladettes phoning each other and talking through the whole film. Why pay five quid to phone your mates when you can do it for free at home? Have they not seen the BT adverts with that dopey lad who is shagging the middle aged woman with 400 kids. I dont think she actually has 400 kids but every advert seems to be filled with little children running around so either they have lots of friends or that dopey lad is a pedo. Secondly why the fuck does it take a pensioner three hours to open a boiled sweet. For fuck sake next week bring a pack of sweets without wrappers so i can hear the film. And thirdly why the hell does the tallest person in the cinema always sit in front of you. There are 400 empty seats so he chooses the one that cuts out my view of jessica alba's tits. Leaving the cinema is also a problem because all those chavs that have now run out of phone credit are now loitering around the doors and have you noticed they always stand with girls on one side and lads on the other. is this some kind of tribal ritual or do they all just look the same to me? There is only one answer for this problem and that is for you to just stay at home. Let's face it it's probably going to be on DVD in a week or TV the week after.

Have you noticed when your walking out of a stadium at a concert or a football match you only take one step at a time? You never just walk down the stairs and get out, you go down as if your 3 years old. It means that you’re in the fucking stadium for ages. I mean you don’t walk down the fucking stairs at home like that do you? When the doorbell rings you don’t take one step at a time, and then when it rings again you never shout “hold on I’m just coming. I’ve got to take one step at a time though in case I go down them too quick and my legs snap”. By the time you reach the bottom the postmans fucked off with your pint of milk which you couldn’t collect earlier because it took you too long to reach the door and by the time you got to the bottom the milkman had already shagged your wife and gone. Have you noticed the postman leaves you a card now though that says you can’t collect your parcel unless you bring I.D. What do I need to prove its me? If you posted the card through the wrong fucking door then I would need to prove that but that only happens if the postman is a complete cunt and got lost. Talking about getting lost I don’t understand these new sat navs. Why the fuck do they have female voices? They get lost in a fucking supermarket car park let alone driving through the Mersey tunnel. Why would I ever take directions from a woman? “After 500 yards check your make up and push up your cleavage.” “Turn left at top shop and take note of the floral dress in the window.” It just shouldn’t work should it? What is it with girls and shopping though? They never actually buy anything, they just try everything on. How is that fun? It’s like going to a restaurant sniffing everything and then fucking off home without eating. But nowadays with all these new diets its probably best that you sniff the food rather than eating it. I mean everyone looks after their weight nowadays. Look at that woman on channel 4 who goes as far as shitting in a tupaware tub and examining it. Gillian Mckeith i think her name is. It's Mr Mckeith i feel sorry for because everytime he opens his lunch box at work he's thinking is this the box my wife shit in the other day or is it the one that had that half can of baked beans in?

There are fucking traffic jams everywhere took me ages to get in. But have you noticed us British love queues? They are fucking everywhere, the post office, the bank, the supermarket, spearmint rhinos. You have to queue for everything that’s a necessity nowadays. It takes the piss though because you go abroad and you queue to get out of the country but when you’re on the way home the bastards can’t get rid of you quick enough. We don’t have a good reputation when we travel though do we, I mean the Germans get stick for leaving their towels on the sunloungers but it’s nothing compared to us because we usually nick the fucking sunloungers and take them home along with the towels. You can usually tell the British in the foreign airports because they have a full set of garden furniture and a matching set of towels with Mein Bratwurst ist ze best written all of them. But us brits love our queues, even if you stand around long enough in the street back home you are bound to get some twat come and stand behind you and once there is two of you everyone else joins in. We fucking love queuing for anything, we even build those stupid snaking things because we expect to queue. We go into a shop and instead of paying for staff to serve us they pay for a bollard system to guide the fucking queue we love so much. Have you noticed places like Alton Towers do an express queuing system where the rich can pay to get on the ride faster? I think that’s disgusting in a modern world like ours, we’ve abolished slavery, started the women’s rights movement and now this. I mean I don’t even think poor people should be let into theme parks let alone allowed to go on the rides. I’m only joking I love poor people, I mean what other reason do I pay my taxes for. It certainly isn’t the fucking NHS. I went in the other week to have my tonsils out after two years of cancelled appointments. Finally they managed to scrape enough money together by selling a few bottles of morphine down the local salvation army and could then afford to pay a polish immigrant enough to take out my tonsils with a rusty kitchen knife from ikea. I waited all day in the corridor and was then told that the only bed they had for after the operation was in the morgue. I waited and waited and then a nurse came up to me and told me my operation had been cancelled due to the Polish immigrant’s visa being invalid. They can afford to do fucking boob jobs on the NHS though. I know they are something that is incredibly important but are they more important than my tonsils? Well ok I’ll let you have that one seen as though the boobs will be beneficial to more than just one person. They always tell you to take some painkillers though. Broken leg, painkillers. Constipation, painkillers. Gonorrhoea, painkillers. I got to a point where I wanted to end it all though, I was gonna take 2000 asprin and be done with it. Problem was I took two and felt better. They should start doing hair replacements on the NHS though because as all men who are over the age of twenty will know once you reach that figure the hair from your head starts to fuck off. But mother nature doesn’t just think shit I’ll do something to piss this male off I’ll slowly make him bald. No that isn’t enough I’m going to put that hair somewhere else on his body that will fuck him off even more. Some in his ear, some in his nose, a bit adjoining his eyebrows together, some making his feet look like a hobbits and maybe a shitload to cover his neck and back. I mean come on, give us a break you aren’t only taking our hair you’re placing it in places where we don’t fucking want it. But that’s women for you, first they screw you in the bedroom, then they screw you everywhere else. As you can tell I don’t have a high opinion of women at the moment. I’ve just gotten out of a bad relationship where a lot of lies were told. I mean I didn’t find out until the third month that she used to be a man. She always told me that her Adams apple was in fact a boiled sweet she got lodged in her throat at an early age but I finally twigged after she told me she had flu instead of a cold. Have you noticed that? Men always get flu and women always get a cold. Bollocks. Women are just as bad as men when it comes to illness. Men are slightly different though because when a women has a headache it’s an excuse to not have sex. When men have a headache it’s an excuse to have sex. Well actually anything’s an excuse to have sex for a man. Seriously though we broke up because she cheated on me but I didn’t find out until a while afterwards. I saw some pictures of her with her new fella but it’s alright because she’s put on a hell of a lot of weight. I sent her a text the other day saying I knew our relationship was going downhill I just didn’t realise she was headed towards mcdonalds.

Have you ever noticed that cling film is a bastard thing that can only be worked by women? It doesnt matter how hard you try the thing either sticks to you like a fly on shit or it rips in fifteen thousand different places. It should have a female only sticker on the packaging and sold in a separate space in the supermarket where they sell only female stuff. You know like tampons and shampoo. An aisle just for cling film, shampoo and tampons. Imagine if you sent your boyfriend out to do the shopping and those three things were on the list. It would be an even bigger bastard if you were the boyfriend and got back and wrapped your sandwiches in a sanitory towel and stuck the tube of cling film in the bathroom cupboard. Just imagine the woman half asleep shoving that thing up her crotch. I suppose its supposed to keep food fresh so maybe it works both ways. At least you could probably get the sanitory towel to work but the looks you would get as you pull your lunch out at work. I dont see the problem though, you could use the towel after to wipe away any excess mayonaise or even offer it to one of your female colleagues. You will know which one to pick cause she will be sat in the corner with a face like a smacked arse. The amount of women that i speak to and they say it doesnt affect me, my mood never changes. Bollocks! Every women turns into the devil on speed when the painters are in. I'm not moaning i think child birth gives them the right to have a period of time when they arent quite happy. Just imagine if you had to get an american football out of the end of your penis. They have the right to be a bit miffed and take a little bit of the aggression out on us. It is our fault after all. Well most of the time, sometimes its the bloke next door. But luckily for him he gets a shag then has nothing more to do with it. He gets to piss off while we are stuck paying and looking after a kid that isnt ours. Its probably a good idea then to be single and live in a street full of women. You would never be short of people who could wrap your sandwiches then and they wont be using their sanitory towels as much due to pregnancy so you could even take a handy facewipe/female present to work!